Dude! Bros Before Ho's!... Or Not!

I attempted to get this post going yesterday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I've got the whole six year relationship heartbreak blues going on.... I took the extra day to think about what Bros before Ho's really meant. While contemplating yesterday, I looked up the female version of "Bros before ho's". I found that most women even use the same term as the men, as it has the same effect. There are a few female equivalents out there, though. "Chicks before Dicks",  "Lasses before Asses", "Sistas before Mistas/Sisters before Misters", "Venus before Penis", "Besties before Testes", "Friends before Mens", "Dolls before Balls", and the list can go on. All still boil down to "Bros before Ho's".....

When I first heard the term "Bros before Ho's" I really liked it. In my mind, the statement meant not letting a someone your dating/seeing etc come between you and your best friend/group of friends, because your friends would always have your six, long after your relationship would be over. Now though, I find the term "Bros before Ho's" a Bachelor/Bachelorette statement. Soon, you will understand why. I have a feeling I will be playing Devil's Advocate here, as I could debate both sides of the statement. Why? I used to like the gist of the thing, but now, I'm torn. I can't find a black and white answer, just a whole lotta static... But I can tell you, I am leaning towards not being a fan... The six year relationship can, and will, be used to debate both sides of "Bros before Ho's".

I remember in high school, ya I know I'm digging here, but it's still an example of both sides... So anyhow, in high school, I had two friends - one named Linda and the other Angelina (Yes, their names have been changed). Linda and Angelina were pretty close to being Best Friends. Linda finally got asked out by her ultimate crush of a life time, John. (Yes, his name is changed, too.) Linda and John were having a typical eighth grade romance until Angelina got in the way. Angelina guilt tripped Linda until Linda dumped John... What was Angelina's problem? She didn't have a boyfriend at the time... A few weeks after Linda and John broke up, Angelina found herself with a boyfriend. When Linda said something to Angelina about it, Angelina figured Linda was jealous... Linda chose "Bros before Ho's", but Angelina was just out right selfish and wanted both... In the end, Angelina moved away the following year and John and Linda never dated each other again.

My own story, with out getting overly personal here, goes a little like this.... I met the ex at work 6 and a half years ago. We had an on again/off again thing for the first four years... During our whole relationship, the ex would always put his friends before me. I, on the other hand, shot myself in the foot. I usually put him first, or I was depressed over our recent decision to be "off again" that I pushed the few friends I had away.

For the past two years, we've been on again. We moved in together and there didn't seem to be much issue... Other than I had alienated myself from all my friends and saw them once or twice a year. They all got tired of my excuses as to why I couldn't go out... Then they stopped calling as much and the invites out were few and far between. When I did go out to cut a little loose without him, he'd ask "Oh, going to see your other boyfriend are you??" And then he'd laugh hysterically.... Then he'd be calling..... "When are you coming home?" or nastier "I hope you're having fun! I hope it's worth it!" That further put the kybosh on any hope from a social life. (I know, it's a story of control here... That'll be coming in future posts.)

He, on the other hand, still kept his "Bro before Ho" routine. He'd always say yes to helping a friend out, but I felt like I had to beg him for a hand. He plays as a part of a pool league team, not just one - but two pool league teams... This year, instead of taking me out on my birthday... He played pool on one of those teams. Why? Because he was the captain of the team, it was the first night of league for the fall season... AND he couldn't let his "Bros" down and miss a game... OK, so I wasn't impressed, but I wasn't a "Ho" and let him go... He promised to make it up to me the following weekend... He didn't, he had to go down and play in a pool tournament at the local bar with his "Bros". Not impressed, he kept saying he'd make it up to me, never did. Two years before that, same thing... Instead of taking me out for my birthday, he had to go watch football with his friends at the bar... The weekend I had to fly back to BC for a family emergency, do you think he drove me to or picked me up from the airport? Nope... He took the Friday afternoon off, using the excuse that he had to drive me to the airport... Never did... That weekend was a year end pool tournament for the summer league... Couldn't let his team of "Bros" down, you realize... He called me early Sunday evening saying he just got back from the end of the pool tourney. I asked him if he was picking me up from the airport... He said no because his car was out of commission. He couldn't get a hold of his Mum to borrow her vehicle... He'd been "trying all day" to get a hold of his Mum... He doesn't have a cell phone, and he'd just gotten home from the pool tournament... Because he puts his "Bros" before his "Ho" and that's exactly why he's "SINGLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess my point is, that I've gotten over the whole idea of "Bros before Ho's". I hope there is more of a happy medium that can be reached. What if you always put "bros" first and miss out on the right girl/guy, you know, "THE ONE"? And if you always put the "ho" first, then your "bros" might not always be there...Good and true "bros" won't mind sharing you. And if you find out it's not the right "ho", your true "bros" will accept you back... (And then they'll probably harrass you after your broken heart has healed.) If it's the right "ho", he/she might not like your friends, but I'm sure he/she will allow you to go have a "bro night", as long as your friends don't cause you to do stupid/hurtful things. (Like a poker night with the guys, or a shopping trip with the girls...)

It's not always about me; I'm more of a loner... Don't get me wrong, I can be social and I've got "Bros"... I hope to find a "ho" again one day, too.

Familiar Distance: Family Taking the "Fun" Out of Dysfunctional

"Let me ask you this about this life we live

And let me try to swerve some of this attention you give

To them distant ass relatives over in Hampton and

If they really miss you so much

Why don't they just call you then?

If you wanted blood, would you still have love?

Or in fact does the blood make you think you have to love?

Look I probably love my family more then anybody here

But my homies are family too
Third cousins get outta here"

- Homies by ICP (Insane Clown Posse)

I've got family all over the place. My family stretches across most of Canada - predominantly in BC, but there's some in Alberta, Ontario, and Quebec too... I've got some down in the US of A - in Texas, North Carolina, Maryland and a few other places as well. I've got family over seas - Australia, Norway, Switzerland and Scotland just to name a few. These are just the places I know about, I'm sure there are more blood relatives out there in various other places as well. Family is one of the most important things out there... But where do you draw the line when it comes to Family Loyalty?

Family dynamics have always perplexed me... I dig that certain people just don't get along, blood or not... My brother and I are the perfect example of that... If we were getting along, my parents thought something must be up... Guaranteed though, if someone did something to my brother... I'm 99% sure I'd want to kick their asses... There's an unwritten rule in my mind, I'm the only one allowed to talk shit about my brother, and I'm the only one allowed to stomp on him... It's my right as an older sister.  I'm sure my brother would agree from his side of the story, and say the same thing... He's the only one allowed to hate me and talk smack about me... The less we see of each other, the better. Siblings, still putting the "fun" in dysfunctional....

Parents... Yeah, some people hate their parents... (Some you can't blame, they've got reason to hate their parent(s) - others are just spoiled brats who dislike because their parent(s) had the gall to use the "N" word... as in NO - not the bad "N" word.) I've always had a decent enough relationship with my parents... I didn't always like them, but they never gave me reason to go all "Menendez" on them. Some days I'm sure they understood perfectly why some species ate their young. I still remember the day it dawned on me, "Hey, Mum and Dad aren't big, fat idiots after all." I'm sure they remember it too, or at least marked it on the calendar. Parents - the originals in putting the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Grandparents... Who can say a bad thing about their grandparents? Some can - I'm just not one of them... I knew all four of my grandparents... They were all cool... They'd get me all spun out on sugar... Slip me a couple bucks here and there.... Gave the rest of the family a place to meet up and visit... I think Grandparents invented the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Aunts, Uncles and first cousins... I was fortunate enough to have 8 biological aunts (2 sisters for Mum, 6 for Dad) and 3 biological Uncles (1 bro for Ma, and 2 for Dad). In all, I've got 20 cousins... Those 20 cousins produced 4 second cousins... There was never a shortage of kids to play with over the holidays - until we got older, moved away and didn't get home on the holidays. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins - the reason "fun" is in dysfunctional.

Anything other than my parents, younger brother, grandparents, and a few aunts, uncles and cousins.... My loyalties can't be counted upon. I know is sounds harsh, and I honestly wish nothing bad on the extended family.... I've just noticed some stuff over the years... Since my Grandpa passed away in 2001, I've noticed his family has become more withdrawn from our sector of the family. My family from Texas will come to Canada, and go to Vancouver Island where Grandpa's older brother and sister live.... Do you think they stop in the Okanagan to see my Grandma, Mum, Aunts, and Uncle? I don't recall hearing about that visit... These people are each other's Cousins/Aunts/Uncles/Nieces/Nephews. It's not like they are distant relatives that have never met. It aggravated me, I've come to terms that the "fun" isn't there....

My Dad has an Aunt who has lived in Edmonton for years. Since I moved here in May of 2003, I've seen her maybe 3 or 4 times... The only reason I did see her the 3 or 4 times is because when my parents came to visit me from BC, we went out for a few hours to visit her as well. If it weren't for my parents, I doubt I'd ever have seen her. My Mum's cousin's family live just outside of Edmonton... The Cousin's granddaughter was pregnant and they were going to come to Edmonton to do some shopping and made mention of meeting up for lunch or something... It never happened.... The cousin got sick and passed away suddenly and that was the end of that. Back in September, I did see my Grandpa's brother's granddaughter. (My 3rd cousin??? I'm not even sure how the labelling works...) At any rate, she's a sweet girl and brought her 6 month old son out to Edmonton to visit her Dad.... If it wasn't for Facebook, I doubt I would have seen them at all.... I noticed in her status that she was boarding a plane and was heading out this way... I asked if I would be getting to see her and her boy. It took her Mum pointing out the fact that I asked her on Facebook to get the ball rolling... Taking the "fun" out.

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but if that's how they want to be - fine! Let them, I'd love to get to know them better, hang out and maybe become friends as well as family... More allies in this day and age, the better. If they aren't interested, there's not much I can do... Except turn close friends into family.... I've got a close friend that I call my sister. She's got one son that I refer to as my nephew and he calls me "Auntie Lauren". I've been "adopted" by her family and I consider them my 2nd family. I'd probably step up to bat for them faster then some of the people that I am blood related too.

What's my point... Sometimes I forget even... I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't pick your family... You can pick your friends... And sometimes, your friends come before certain members of your family... Who you going to help move? Your best buddy in the whole wide world? Or your third cousin you haven't seen since y'all were 10 years old? Who you going to call to pick you up from work if your car breaks down? Best pal in the world? Or someone who won't come see you under any other circumstances?

It may sound like I'm bitter and promoting hate or resentment... But I guarantee I'm not. I've been bitten by the Genealogy bug and want to trace my family tree as far back as I can... I've even got family from Norway on my Facebook. When I was in Whistler working the Olympics, I managed to get a few days off in a row. I jammed to Vancouver and Victoria to see family. I saw my Dad's younger brother, his wife/my aunt, and both my cousins in Vancouver. I then went to Victoria, saw one of Dad's younger sisters and two of my cousins... I also went and saw my Grandpa's older sister and brother, that were mentioned earlier on, and one of Grandpa's younger sisters. I'm not a hater... I made the effort....

It's not always about me; is blood really thicker than water though?